{Jeffrey}

I apologize for my absence on this here blog.  They day after I last posted, our little world was rocked when we got word that my brother-in-law Jeff had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  He was just 44, way too young to have a massive heart attack.  The next few hours and even days were spent frantically preparing to fly back to Idaho to be with family and to say goodbye.  

Since we have gotten home, I have struggled to put into words what I wanted to say and post about Jeff.  At the same time I couldn't seem to move on and post something different.  I couldn't move on to other things on the blog until I had gotten out of my heart what I needed to share about Jeff.  I still am not sure if I am ready but I recognize that it is sort of healing in a way.  

On the last night that the whole family was together in Idaho we sat around as a family and related stories that we wanted to share about Jeff.  We passed around a tape recorder so that we could capture every word to later be transcribed into something that could be read and treasured.  Ryan and I were late getting back from his Dad's, where we enjoyed dinner and games with Ryan's side of the family.  As we came in the stories were already in progress. Quickly, the kids found cousins to sit with.  I found a chair, but for some reason I couldn't sit still.  My emotions seemed to be right at the surface, ready to bubble over at any moment.  It was hard to believe that I would have any tears left to spill, I felt dehydrated and emotionally drained from the previous days.  I finally had to walk into the kitchen, away from the family and I fell apart in my sister Aina's arms.  

"I just can't do this," I sobbed into her shoulder.  It was all too fresh, too raw.  It wasn't as if I didn't have enough good memories to share.  I had too many.  

Jeff and my sister Amber started dating when I was nine years old.  The same age as my Meysa.  Jeff was more like a big brother, than a brother-in-law.  He was present for pretty much everything in my life.  He picked out my first training bra (long story and yes my sister was present for the occasion as well), he teased my boyfriends, he teased me, he offered to do my hair and makeup for dances in High School (he thought he had enough training being a mortician), he was there when I was married, gave me a priesthood blessing before the birth of my first child, and countless other occasions that can't be named individually because they all just blend together.  Too many ordinary days that made up our quirky relationship.

But he was there.  And now he is not.  There are days that I feel like I am in denial still.  It must all be a dream, a very bad dream.  Sadly, though I know that it was him that I saw in the casket and him that we buried on that cold, snowy day.  

Some days I am angry at him for leaving my sister alone.  For leaving our family with a giant hole, shaped like him.  Angry that he left his grand babies.  Angry that he didn't take better care of himself.  Just plain angry.  

Common sense tells me that the emotions I have are normal and that I need to feel them.  But sometimes it is just too much, just too painful.  There are mornings I wake up, willing myself to not think about it, but it never seems to work.  I can't not think of my sister and her loss.  The enormous weight left for her to shoulder alone.  At times like this, I hate being so far away.  I feel helpless.  A phone call is really all I can offer, hoping that she knows how much I would do for her if I were there.

And so....life goes on.  I have to pull up my boot straps and I have to find a way to make this new life that is void of Jeff work.  It will take time for the sting to fade, I know that.  I also I know that I will see Jeff again.  It is such a comfort knowing that families are forever!!  The gospel of Jesus Christ brings perspective and peace to my aching heart.  Thankfully, I only need remind myself that when I wish I were closer to my sister, the Savior is where I can't be.  Ultimately, only He can bring the kind of peace, comfort and strength that my sister and her children really need.

Phew, now that I got that out of my system, and have cried off my mascara, I think I can move on.  That is what life does, right?.  It moves on and we make the best of the challenges we get to experience.  We grow, we get stronger and we learn enormous lessons.  I will move on, I will grow and I will learn, but I will not forget.  Jeffrey, I love ya and I'll miss ya everyday.